Confession: I’m a perfectionist.
You wouldn’t know it if you met me in person {My hair is usually in a pony tail, not perfectly coiffed}.
You wouldn’t know it if you came to my house {My carpets are dirty, the shelves are dusty, and Legos are strewn about waiting to stab you in the foot}.
You wouldn’t know it if you spent a few minutes digging around my bloggity {There are more typos than Starbucks in a Seattle square block}.
You wouldn’t know it, because my perfectionism most often results in my waiving the white flag of surrender before I even attempt something.
My fear of failure tells me it’s better to avoid something altogether rather than risk imperfection.
Nina Sayers’ {played by Natalie Portman} perfectionism leads her to the opposite end of the spectrum. Rather than relinquishing her ballet skills, she obsesses over them.
In the latest production of Swan Lake, Nina finally lands the lead role. Despite hours of practice and commitment, her dancing isn’t quite on par.
She so desperately wants to appear immaculate that her movements lack fluidity, she becomes delusional, scratches herself until she bleeds, and purges her body of food.
She is held back by perfectionism.
Throughout the film, we learn that Nina was the result of an unplanned pregnancy, which ultimately ruined her mother’s career as a ballerina.
Nina saw her life as nothing more than a mistake and a regret.
The only way to redeem her existence was by way of her own merits as the perfect ballerina.
Nina wanted to be validated by her mother, desperately wanted to hear, You are worth everything I gave up.
I Just Want to be Perfect
At its root, perfectionism is about seeking approval from others. As an approval junkie, I’m willing to seek it anywhere: my kids, hubs, friends, even the customer service rep on the phone. For Nina, it was the approval of her mother.
I find that approval often comes when I can do something extraordinary, display the talents that are unique to me, or get something “just right” so that it makes you smile.
But, I won’t ever BE perfect. Achieving perfection {or the appearance of it} is immeasurable and will drive a person to insanity. After all, that’s what happens to Nina.
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For a very long time, I believed that the Christian life demanded perfection.
Even after I had asked for forgiveness and repented, I was weighed down by the guilt of my actions. I dragged that guilt around as someone with a lame leg, allowing it to slow me down, become my focus, determine my identity. I even ascribed greatness to that guilt, by crediting anything negative in my life as punishment for my sin, rather than loving discipline from the Father.
God recently showed me that by keeping a tight grip on my guilt, I was denying the work of the cross. I was rejecting the forgiveness He offers, by focusing on my own efforts, rather than on the perfect sacrifice of His Son.
If you consider any other faith, the works, perfection, merits, and labor are part of the package. It’s what seals the deal, proves your worth, and offers eternal life or a second chance.
What’s revolutionary about the Gospel message is that salvation and forgiveness are not based on anything that I can accomplish, it doesn’t depend on my performance.
8 For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; 9 not as a result of works, so that no one may boast. {Ephesians 2:9}
The lyrics of “Love is Here” by Tenth Avenue North sum this up so perfectly {I know I’ve shared many, many songs from this band, but their lyrics are so great at conveying the meaning of Scripture.}
All you who labor in vain
And to the broken and shamed
Love is here
Love is now
Love is pouring from His hands from His brow
Love is near, it satisfies
Streams of mercy flowing from His side
Cause Love is here
His death has covered all of my sins, even the ones I think are unforgivable.
His mercy is offered to me, who cannot earn it by any work of my own.
He has said to me, You are worth Everything I gave up.
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Even in writing this post, I’m fighting the urge to {over}explain myself rather than let Him speak through me. Maybe this post isn’t perfect. But, He doesn’t expect me to be.
His Perfection is more than enough to make up for my imperfections.
I pray that you’ll allow Him to be your strength in weakness today. Place your focus on Him, rather than on yourself. I promise, your Monday will go much smoother.
Mini-Review
You might be wondering if I would recommend this movie. While it’s incredibly well done, suspenseful, and a great psychological thriller, there are a lot of thematic elements that I could have done without. {I couldn’t even find a trailer for the film appropriate for my blog.} It’s disappointing to me that Hollywood {as demanded by our culture} finds it necessary to resort to gratuitous sex, violence, and profanity to portray a meaningful narrative. While I do understand that it is sometimes central to the plot, it certainly wasn’t for this film. If you can see past those things to appreciate the plot, which is a very good one, I say got for it. Otherwise, there are plenty of other good movies to be seen.
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“At its root, perfectionism is about seeking approval from others. As an approval junkie, I’m willing to seek it anywhere: my kids, hubs, friends, even the customer service rep on the phone.”
I really, really liked this post keri! Awesome analogy if i do say so myself! LOL….
I struggle with perfection when i comes down to songwritting… I never think my song is that good…despite what other say…
I like to think i’ve gotten a good grip of what the cross has done for me….but i still try to do things myself instead of letting God the control…
Isn’t it interesting that in the areas we actually have the most talent, we beat ourselves up the most over? That’s the Enemy at work. He wants to destory that which can be most powerful. Don’t let him do it, Arny!
Isn’t it interesting that in the areas we actually have the most talent, we beat ourselves up the most over? That’s the Enemy at work. He wants to destory that which can be most powerful. Don’t let him do it, Arny!
But isn’t our desire to give God the best? Shouldn’t that be… perfect? I guess the question is, where do we draw the line? I’ve seen people give God a half-assed effort (forgive the word). I think we should give God the best. Is that flirting with perfectionism? I don’t know.
There is a distinction between excellence and perfectionism. We should definitely stive for excellence in all things, but that does not equal perfection. If I’m doing my best, that is all that God asks. And, that is my most excellent. Perfectionism starst to reek of Tower of Babel syndrome (it’s totally real).
Darn it Keri, I hate it when you make sense. :/
That’s what my hubs would say.
I do struggle with perfectionism so much so that I have a hard time getting started. And then when I do get started I have a hard time not procrastinating for fear it won’t be “just right”. This is something I am really dealing with right now. Thank you for your very helpful reminder that in Christ I am perfect and nothing can make me more or less so!
Brenda
Oh, Brenda….I definitely struggle with procrastination. That is certainly a side effect of perfectionism. As I mentioned to Dustin below, I’m learning to accept a job done rather than a perfect job done. It’s better to have done good enough, than to not have done it at all. Of course this doesn’t apply for all scenarios-I certainly wouldn’t want my doctor to approach his job that way. But, the daily tasks, the ins and outs of life, it’s more important that you do them than that you do them perfectly. I’m glad you were encouraged today by this post.
Oh, Brenda….I definitely struggle with procrastination. That is certainly a side effect of perfectionism. As I mentioned to Dustin below, I’m learning to accept a job done rather than a perfect job done. It’s better to have done good enough, than to not have done it at all. Of course this doesn’t apply for all scenarios-I certainly wouldn’t want my doctor to approach his job that way. But, the daily tasks, the ins and outs of life, it’s more important that you do them than that you do them perfectly. I’m glad you were encouraged today by this post.
I’ve struggled with perfectionism because I too have been an approval junkie. I don’t consider myself completely past that stage but it doesn’t control my life like it used to. The whole journey of discovering my identity has been the key element in changing this mindset.
I’ve heard a lot about this film. I probably won’t see it but I share your frustration when a fantastic story gets overloaded with a bunch of unnecessary additions that muddy it up for the sake of being “provocative” or “edgy”.
The problem with all these movies is that if everything is provocative and edgy, then nothing is really provocative or edgy anymore. :/
When I allow that perfectionism and approval to control me, it’s like I’m a slave to others. I’m seeking the approval of men and not of God. That journey of identity you speak of-I’m on that journey, too, Tony. I’m learning about my strengths, my weaknesses, my passions, and my gifts. I’m learning to posture my heart toward the fear of God, and not the fear of man.
What’s frustrating about the movie business is that even if you mention “Black Swan” to anyone, they immediately bring up the scenes I’m referring to. Aronofsky has reduced his film to being known for the sexuality, when the plot speaks for itself. I feel like he dumbed this one down a bit, but that’s just my opinion.
When I allow that perfectionism and approval to control me, it’s like I’m a slave to others. I’m seeking the approval of men and not of God. That journey of identity you speak of-I’m on that journey, too, Tony. I’m learning about my strengths, my weaknesses, my passions, and my gifts. I’m learning to posture my heart toward the fear of God, and not the fear of man.
What’s frustrating about the movie business is that even if you mention “Black Swan” to anyone, they immediately bring up the scenes I’m referring to. Aronofsky has reduced his film to being known for the sexuality, when the plot speaks for itself. I feel like he dumbed this one down a bit, but that’s just my opinion.
Yeah, there are times when perfectionism affects other areas in my life: I invest so much time into making something ‘perfect’ that I forsake other relationships and other things that are important.
Wow…I know exactly what you’re speaking of because I live with someone who does the same.
There is something to be said for being detail oriented and hard working, but not at the sake of relationship. I’m learning to accept that sometimes a job done is more than important than a perfect job done, or no job done at all.
Wow…I know exactly what you’re speaking of because I live with someone who does the same.
There is something to be said for being detail oriented and hard working, but not at the sake of relationship. I’m learning to accept that sometimes a job done is more than important than a perfect job done, or no job done at all.
Like joinin me at Catalyst. #snubbed
I struggle with perfectionism sometimes also. There have been times that I’ve obsessed and times that I’ve given up. Probably the biggest thing that I obsess about now are my grades. I do like making A’s.
Since I’ve been a mom I’ve had to let go of most of the perfectionism. I’ve learned that if I have 10 minutes I can do the dishes even if I don’t have time to scrub the counters and floors and clean out the pantry.
Oooh, I definitely feel that when you are in a place where you have immediate and measurable feedback {like grades}, it can be so easy to get caught up in it.
Mommyhood is what made me recognize my illegitimate perfectionist ways. I no longer have the time to make the house look perfect.
My perfectionism is all about my pride. I don’t want to show people anything less than the best because I don’t want them to negatively judge me. And a lot of has to do with what I think of myself. But I loved your thoughts about how hanging onto guilt is denying the cross. I’ve had to realize that myself as well.
I certainly have fears about how poeple perceive me. I want to look smart, funny, on top of things, successful. Perfection is a double edged sword in that it can ease those fears, but it also feeds them.
I’m a bit of a perfectionist myself. I obsess over the little details. It’s annoying sometimes, but it will keep me up at night. It all has to do with control. I like to believe that perfection = control. I’m on top of things, I help rotate the earth and my perfectionist ways makes rain fall in dry lands. Yeah, I don’t believe that, but I certainly obsess over it as if it was true. Shoot me!
I often fight and I often give up, when I do give up, I get cranky and I become a meany. Be aware! Meany Moe is coming! :)
Uh oh, is Meany Moe worse than Inny Minny Miny Moe!?
I really hadn’t considered the different reasons for which people pursue perfectionism. But, I think control is a popular one.
Amen. Well written. Very encouraging. Thank you.
I’m so glad to hear that this was encouraging for you, Jennifer.
Welcome to Pop Parables! Ya’ll come back now, ya hear?
Keri,
I’ve definitely been there. I find there have been times, where I feel that I have to be perfect when I come to God. So, I sugarcoat things, but He already knows my heart! I’ve learned that God wants us to be real—no matter where we are in life, no matter our sins–He knows all of that. He just wants us.
Sidenote: While I thought Natalie did a great job, I thought the movie, as a whole was kind of overrated. I’m so with you on all the unnecessary stuff (i.e. scene between Natalie/Mila….). So random. Still, good story.
Thanks for sharing so honestly here, bro! What your comment made me realize: when I’m “dishonest” with God, I’m really just being dishonest with myself, and that gets me nowhere and in all likelihood in a deeper pit. A little self-awareness goes a long way. And, when I’m lacking in that department, I have a few trusted confidantes who can give it to me straight and shed some light, and remove that sugarcoating. More importantly, I can pray that the Holy Spirit would shed light on those things which I do not see in myself. I love how David expresses this in Psalm 19:12-13:
12 But who can discern their own errors? Forgive my hidden faults. 13 Keep your servant also from willful sins; may they not rule over me. Then I will be blameless, innocent of great transgression.
I felt that Aronofsky was saying that the only way to truly “let go” and “live” was to be sexual, with yourself, with someone of the same sex, with anyone who you came into contact with. That’s complete garbage! If anything, that will make you MORE controlled because you will be a slave to it.