Confession: I’m a perfectionist.

You wouldn’t know it if you met me in person {My hair is usually in a pony tail, not perfectly coiffed}.

You wouldn’t know it if you came to my house {My carpets are dirty, the shelves are dusty, and Legos are strewn about waiting to stab you in the foot}.

You wouldn’t know it if you spent a few minutes digging around my bloggity {There are more typos than Starbucks in a Seattle square block}.

You wouldn’t know it, because my perfectionism most often results in my waiving the white flag of surrender before I even attempt something.

My fear of failure tells me it’s better to avoid something altogether rather than risk imperfection.

Nina Sayers’ {played by Natalie Portman} perfectionism leads her to the opposite end of the spectrum.  Rather than relinquishing her ballet skills, she obsesses over them.

In the latest production of Swan Lake, Nina finally lands the lead role.  Despite hours of practice and commitment, her dancing isn’t quite on par.   

She so desperately wants to appear immaculate that her movements lack fluidity, she becomes delusional, scratches herself until she bleeds, and purges her body of food.

She is held back by perfectionism.

Throughout the film, we learn that Nina was the result of an unplanned pregnancy, which ultimately ruined her mother’s career as a ballerina. 

Nina saw her life as nothing more than a mistake and a regret.

The only way to redeem her existence was by way of her own merits as the perfect ballerina.

Nina wanted to be validated by her mother, desperately wanted to hear, You are worth everything I gave up.

I Just Want to be Perfect

At its root, perfectionism is about seeking approval from others.  As an approval junkie, I’m willing to seek it anywhere: my kids, hubs, friends, even the customer service rep on the phone.  For Nina, it was the approval of her mother. 

I find that approval often comes when I can do something extraordinary, display the talents that are unique to me, or get something “just right” so that it makes you smile.

But, I won’t ever BE perfect.  Achieving perfection {or the appearance of it} is immeasurable and will drive a person to insanity.  After all, that’s what happens to Nina. 

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For a very long time, I believed that the Christian life demanded perfection. 

Even after I had asked for forgiveness and repented, I was weighed down by the guilt of my actions.  I dragged that guilt around as someone with a lame leg, allowing it to slow me down, become my focus, determine my identity.  I even ascribed greatness to that guilt, by crediting anything negative in my life as punishment for my sin, rather than loving discipline from the Father.

God recently showed me that by keeping a tight grip on my guilt, I was denying the work of the cross.  I was rejecting the forgiveness He offers, by focusing on my own efforts, rather than on the perfect sacrifice of His Son.

If you consider any other faith, the works, perfection, merits, and labor are part of the package.  It’s what seals the deal, proves your worth, and offers eternal life or a second chance. 

What’s revolutionary about the Gospel message is that salvation and forgiveness are not based on anything that I can accomplish, it doesn’t depend on my performance.   

⁸ For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; ⁹ not as a result of works, so that no one may boast.  {Ephesians 2:9}

The lyrics of “Love is Here” by Tenth Avenue North sum this up so perfectly {I know I’ve shared many, many songs from this band, but their lyrics are so great at conveying the meaning of Scripture.}

 All you who labor in vain
And to the broken and shamed

Love is here
Love is now
Love is pouring from His hands from His brow
Love is near, it satisfies
Streams of mercy flowing from His side
Cause Love is here

His death has covered all of my sins, even the ones I think are unforgivable.

His mercy is offered to me, who cannot earn it by any work of my own.

He has said to me, You are worth Everything I gave up.

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Even in writing this post, I’m fighting the urge to {over}explain myself rather than let Him speak through me.  Maybe this post isn’t perfect.  But, He doesn’t expect me to be.

His Perfection is more than enough to make up for my imperfections.

I pray that you’ll allow Him to be your strength in weakness today.  Place your focus on Him, rather than on yourself.  I promise, your Monday will go much smoother. 

Mini-Review

You might be wondering if I would recommend this movie.  While it’s incredibly well done, suspenseful, and a great psychological thriller, there are a lot of thematic elements that I could have done without.  {I couldn’t even find a trailer for the film appropriate for my blog.}  It’s disappointing to me that Hollywood {as demanded by our culture} finds it necessary to resort to gratuitous sex, violence, and profanity to portray a meaningful narrative. While I do understand that it is sometimes central to the plot, it certainly wasn’t for this film.  If you can see past those things to appreciate the plot, which is a very good one, I say got for it.  Otherwise, there are plenty of other good movies to be seen.

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Do you struggle with perfectionism?

Is your response to just give up or do you obsess about it?